At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
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