Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Randomize
