As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
Randomize
