I think I won the penis lottery.
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
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