Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
