so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
