i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
