You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
