I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
Randomize
