True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
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