one word: firstdatebathroomanal
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
