its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
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