My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
i signed up to donate 10 dollars a month to help the children that are being displaced in columbia because of the drug wars.. i felt obligated
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
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