We're like a lot better than the average bears
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
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