I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Randomize
