In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
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