so the guy who showed me the apt today is now texting me and asking me out for drinks...he's at least 20 yrs oldr than me and highlights his hair, but part of me is wondering how low i can talk him down in rent during sex? wrong?
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Drunk is a universal language darling
Randomize
