My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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