I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
