i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
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