totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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