god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
Farmville is her only friend.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Randomize
