im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
