if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
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