There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
