my soul wont recognize me after tonight
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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