I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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