Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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