I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Randomize
