you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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