wakey wakey hands off snakey
Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Randomize
