sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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