Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Randomize
