This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Randomize
