I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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