Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Randomize
