im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
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