dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
I am midnight drunk by noon
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
Randomize
