God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Randomize
