See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
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