He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
