i jhust puked up my retainher.
Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
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