why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Randomize
