I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
Randomize
