I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
