i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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