im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
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