I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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