you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize