I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
