so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
