I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize
