the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
