I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Randomize
