She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Everclear isn't food dammit
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