If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
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